Chicken Poop for the Mole: “Millie”

A couple of months ago I wrote a series of short stories for my anthology: Chicken Poop for the Mole.

chicken poop for the mole

And now, for the first time ever in the history of all time, they are available for anybody to read. Here is the first story.


Millie had it all.

She had the most interesting notebook and the most dazzling earrings.

composition book
But Millie also had an enormous mole on her face.

Every night Millie would pray for the mole to fade away, but not before plucking the stray hairs that sprouted from it.

She would tape these hairs into her notebook.

Then every morning Millie would put on her earrings.

Her earrings were so dazzling that they drew everybody’s attention away from her enormous mole.

Or so she believed.

The truth was that when Millie talked to people, they didn’t pay attention to anything she said. They were too busy searching for answers in the shape of her mole.

Even still, Millie believed in the power of her earrings.

girl with mole looking in mirror

Of course she was devastated when she lost one of them.

She searched everywhere for it, but it was nowhere to be found.

So Millie sought the help of a fortune teller.

fortune teller palm reader

After hearing Millie’s story, the fortune teller gave Millie a little jar.

“For 12 nights,” the fortune teller said, “rub some of this elixir on your mole. After the 12th night, your mole will disappear.”

magical elixir

So for 12 nights, Millie rubbed the elixir on her mole. After the 12th night, the mole did indeed disappear.

Now Millie doesn’t need her notebook to keep her mole hairs.

And she doesn’t need her earrings to draw everybody’s attention away from the enormous mole in her face.

girl with hole in her face

Because now Millie has an enormous hole in her face.

~ * ~ * ~

Did you enjoy Millie’s story? Did you hate it? Either way, stay tuned for the rest of the Chicken Poop for the Mole series…

Chicken Poop for the Mole: “Mr. and Mrs. Mole”

And now I present… the second chapter of Chicken Poop for the Mole!

chicken poop for the mole

Mr. and Mrs. Mole

Mrs. Mole was a horrible person with a nasty temper.

She would thwack at birds with her morning paper, cast the meanest dagger eyes she could at the children across the street, and hurl spoonfuls of bland porridge at the odd dog who peed on her garden.

But the birds dodged her thwacks with cheery hops, the children never looked up from their games to notice her dagger eyes, and the odd dog was thrilled to gobble up the chunks of flying porridge.

So even though Mrs. Mole was a horrible person with a nasty temper, nobody hated her. Because nobody cared.

Except for her husband.


mr. molemrs. mole

One day Mr. Mole decided he had had enough of his wife. So he decided to bake her a Farewell Pie, which he’d just read about on the Internet.

Now a Farewell Pie is a very straightforward thing. Feed someone a farewell pie and they will disappear from your life. Forever.

And a Farewell Pie is very simple to make. Just fill it with the victim’s favourite pie fillings mixed with the final, fatal ingredient: a can of chicken poop.

farewell pie, made with chicken poop

So Mr. Mole embarked on a search for a can of chicken poop.

But he didn’t want just ANY can of chicken poop.

He wanted the BEST can of chicken poop on the market to make sure that Mrs. Mole would be dead as a doornail.

He would CERTAINLY not settle for any watered-down imitation chicken poop!

So Mr. Mole once more consulted the Internet. He refused to consider any product with a rating lower than *****/*****.

This left him with only one product: Molly Majestic’s Magical Chicken Poop in a Can. Mr. Mole read the reviews.

molly majestic's magical chicken poop in a can

“Deliciously sensational chicken poop! You won’t find a better can in this lifetime or the next!” *****/*****

“MMM Chicken Poop is consistently fresh with a truly irresistible pungent odour!” *****/*****

“Highly effective. Strangely addictive.” *****/*****

So Mr. Mole hurried to the general store to buy Molly Majestic’s Magical Chicken Poop in a Can. Then he went home and made a pie filled with Mrs. Mole’s favourite pie fillings — earthworms and cherries — and, of course, MMM Chicken Poop in a Can.

He threw the pie in the oven and could barely contain his glee while the tantalizing aromas of the pie wafted through their little cottage.

When the pie was ready, Mrs. Mole came thundering into the kitchen. In no time she had gobbled up the pie.

Then Mr. Mole waited and waited…

but Mrs. Mole did not die.

Instead, an incredibly hunky mole appeared out of thin air. He swept Mrs. Mole off her feet and whisked her away in his muscly arms.


mrs. mole in loveincredibly hunky mole

And that is how Mrs. Mole disappeared from Mr. Mole’s life. Forever.

~ * ~ * ~

So, what did you think of this instalment of Chicken Poop for the Mole? Can you relate to Mr. Mole? Have you too scoured the Internet for a way to disappear somebody from your life? Tell the truth!

Chicken Poop for the Mole: “Trom and Breeky”

Dearest readers,

Here is the third and final chapter of my Chicken Poop for the Mole anthology. I hope you are not too put off by how much it differs from the previous instalments.



chicken poop for the mole

Trom and Breeky

 Tuesday, March 24, 2046

0910 Breeky meets Trom in the supply closet and they exchange a series of awkward pleasantries.

0913 Trom moves in to kiss Breeky on the cheek.

0914 Trom and Breeky begin to make out vigorously.

0924 Breeky asks Trom to tell her what his meeting this morning with their boss was about. Are they any closer to identifying the mole in their midst?

0925 Trom won’t tell Breeky. He nibbles on her ear.

0927 Trom tries to go to second base but Breeky is not feelin’ it.

0929 Trom tells Breeky the meeting was about the password to unleash a scourge of deadly alien diseases on the planet Mukkerog, home of the suspected mole. Breeky finds this very interesting.

0930 Breeky tells Trom he can go to second base IF he tells her the password. Trom tells Breeky: POOP NEKCIHC.

0940 Breeky knows that if she says the password backwards three times then the plan will backfire. So she whispers it three times — CHICKEN POOP CHICKEN POOP CHICKEN POOP — while Trom nibbles on Breeky’s other ear.

0941 Trom dies in Breeky’s arms.

0942 Breeky leaves the supply closet to find that everybody on Earth is dead. Her work on Earth complete, Breeky teleports back to her home planet of Mukkerog, where she wins the Mole of the Year award.

trom and breeky, chicken poop for the mole

sunrise sunset mittens

Free pattern download for sunrise-sunset-mittens.pdf!

UGH! All I want to do is knit. Here’s the second-last thing to come off my needles…

sunrise sunset mittens

I have named them the SUNRISE SUNSET mittens. Here’s what they would look like if I were wearing them whilst carrying a pile of invisible firewood.

sunrise sunset mittens

And here’s what they would look like if I were warming my hands over an invisible fire in the woods.

sunrise sunset mittens

I thought I would share the pattern, mostly because Amy asked for a link to it, but also because it’s the first pattern I’ve written up and I’m curious to see if A) anybody will use it and B) it’s readable.

Screenshot of the pattern!

sunrise sunset mittens pattern screenshot

DOWNLOAD THE PATTERN HERE!!!! sunrise-sunset-mittens.pdf


adventures in making stuff: peggy pointer edition

This past weekend Evan and I shared a table at Canzine Toronto. I was selling Peggy Pointer books and rocks and stuff, and Evan was selling Arcane Bullshit tarot cards. People loooved his Arcane Bullshit tarot cards, because who wouldn’t like to wield the awesome power of divine bullshit in their hands? If you haven’t checked them out, you should.

Here’s a picture of us peddling our wares:

evan and me!
Photo courtesy of Christie Lau!

In other news, I spent all the money I made that day on stuff that I thought looked cool and felt inspired by. That was fun.

As for Peggy Pointer and me, our sales were slim, but some of my really kind friends bought books. That was REALLY nice of them.

I’ve got some photos from the book-making process, so please let me tell you about my whole entire journey.

  1. I made up Peggy Pointer when I was in a REALLY boring meeting one day. At first her legs were also made of fingers, but these gave her a very bulky (not cute) appearance.
  2. I vowed to come up with a “Peggy Pointer p_______ a p_______” cartoon every day. But I quit for some reason.
  3. Months later, I decided to make the pictures I had into a book.
  4. But the illustrations were all inconsistent. So I re-traced 25 old Peggy Pointer drawings so that the line work would be consistent.
  5. I scanned all of the re-traced images into the computer, only to have Evan tell me they all looked “overworked.” Sigh.
  6. I arranged everything in InDesign. This REALLY made me wish I had worked on the yearbook in grade eleven because I felt like a headless chicken inside a computer.
  7. I PDFed my InDesign file and put it on a thumb drive.
  8. I took my PDF file to the neighbourhood print/copy/mailbox centre where a really nice guy helped me print everything up. He even collated the pages for me. I promised to bring him a sticker for all of his help. But I am terrible at keeping promises. 🙁
  9. I sewed up each copy by hand.
  10. I coloured each page with a splash of yellow. No two books are alike. (I also added some red details.)
  11. I put all the books in a stack. Yay!!!!!
books! beginning the sewn binding process!
About to begin the sewn binding process. This is not an ad for Staedtler. Or is it?
sew threadfully boring.
Sew threadfully boring. Frisbees make great containers for pencils and stuff.
books! hand-colouring each copy!
The most fun part of the whole process: adding random yellow to each page!
No two books are alike.
A stack of books!

Oh! I also sold a bunch of rocks that I stole from the beach and drew on with a black pen and yellow Sharpie. I tried to turn the smaller ones into magnets but I didn’t mix the epoxy properly and so it didn’t work out.

rocks! a box full of rocks!
A box full of rocks! Not fun to carry.
rocks! hand-drawn peggy pointer!
For some kind of magic spell.
A cluster of rocks.
A swarm.

And guess what!!! I sold a grand total of 8 rocks to people who were willing to pay for rocks. For you economists out there, that’s a rate of 1.33333 rocks per hour. Unbelievable, huh?! Strangers are so kind. Stranger still, I was told by a girl who bought a rock that screenprinting every page of my book would have made me 58723710236% cooler. So that’s the secret?! But I think can live with being 58723710236% less cool than I could potentially be. But the strangest thing of all: when I changed the stickers from “$X” to “FREE,” people REALLY started to like them! Whoa!!!

I also had an assortment of fingerless mittens up for sale. I sold two pairs. Yay.

fingerless mittens!
Fingerless mittens!
fingerless mittens!
I tried to give each pair a clever name. My favourite: “Oatmeal Jeanjacket.” Or “Jeanmeal.”
fingerless mittens!
Fingerless mittens.

The end. Anybody want to buy a pair of mittens?

i’ll write you a letter

special delivery!


When I was ten, my family moved from Hong Kong to Toronto. This was before we all became addicted to the Internet, Geocities, and ICQ, and when hour-long long-distance phone calls were out of the question for ten-year-olds on opposite sides of the world. So snail mail was how I stayed in touch with my friends, Tania, Michelle, and Jess.

I wrote my best friend Jess nearly every day for a good year. Once a week I would stuff the various pieces of paper and knick-knacks into a big, fat envelope and mail it to Hong Kong. And every day I would check our mailbox — even if the flag was down, with even greater anticipation — to see if any similarly fat and exciting packages had arrived for me.

I still have a shoebox filled with letters from Jess.

We barely talk any more.

Maybe I’ll find out her address and write her a letter.

The Bike Song – Leah Juel and Justina Chong, ft. Animals in Bonnets

** Turn on the captions to sing along! **

Leah and I made up this song when we were part of Centennial College’s Children’s Entertainment Program. Leah is an amazing (and HILARIOUS) voice actress — she played Topaz Trollhopper in the cartoon Trollz!!!

(I uploaded a crappy mp3 version of the audio two years ago, but the plugin stopped working and I didn’t have the patience to fix it. So I made this video instead.)

Enjoy !! ? ?  Do you like it ?? ?